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Emails to my Therapist

I Am A Dangerously Imperfect And Frightened Caregiver

Dear Nicholas,  Last night Bob forgot to take his blood pressure pills and I FORGOT TO REMIND HIM. Then today I may have made a drug sorting mistake.  Now I am one scared caregiver.

 

The Challenging Situation

In the last two years, Bob has had some little strokes and it’s very very important that he not have more. Though I usually manage the details of our lives, I am by nature a lousy bookkeeper and pathologically afraid of making any kind of damaging mistake.

Mistakes Are Not An Option

Bob says remembering pills is his job.  But I am the family rememberer. He has always called me our historian; he proudly makes a point of living in the moment, letting the past melt away.  By agreement, I am chief handler of schedules, finances, medical stuff, whether the dogs have been fed, etc.  I am at least supposed to be reliable back-up. Once upon a time, I did have a scary-good memory. Now at 75, I sometimes forget names. And apparently other things as well.

My Fault, My Fault!

About today’s medical confusion,  “I hope you’re not castigating yourself,” he says now from the kitchen table. I laugh (bitterly). “Not too likely, is it?” he says.

Of course I am castigating myself. I fear I have done him damage. I fear it will happen again.

And I am particularly vulnerable to such fears and guilt because the mental health meds I take are about 85% effective. Any degree of a caregiving situation is hard on a person with the brand of obsessive-compulsive disorder I have, which is scrupulosity: extreme fear of making mistakes, doing damage, committing sins. I also feel guilt about focusing in all this on myself.

The Wrong Kind Of Person?

But I was not built for keeping perfect track of things. My temperament is that of a novelist who writes  often about the supernatural, about fantastical things. Numbers scare me, because I might get them wrong. Also I often have trouble reading my own handwriting, So I have several deficits in the bookkeeping department. See my medical notes to the right. Bob has always said that at least I’m better at it than he is. And I have to agree with that. Neither of us are built for this.

The Stoic philosophy that I put some stock in suggests that this situation is giving me a chance to fully face and rid myself of scrupulosity.  On this, I echo Bob’s comment: “Not too likely, is it?”

Maniacally Careful

I thought I was being 100% scrupulously careful.  Still I make a mistake that could lead to worst-possible outcome. Keeping Bob with me and as healthy as possible is my main mission. I do love the guy and love our life together.

I wrote here long ago that if Bob dies before me, whatever the circumstances, it will be my fault. That was of course a slightly humorful exaggeration meant to show the perils of my scrupulosity.

The Present Moment

Right now I’m in a position where it’s crucial to get meds right and I’m clearly capable of error and so far not great at dealing with myself about this. Telling me not to kick myself doesn’t help. Telling me to be more careful doesn’t help. The thought of anybody else taking on the job is no good either.

As always, writing this calms me. (I also meditated twenty minutes before starting to write.)

I don’t know how to end this. So I’ll stop.

Peggy

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  • jim maney
    November 1, 2024 at 8:46 pm Reply

    At least you remember that you didn’t remember. I can’t remember what I had – or if I had – lunch today.

    • Peggy Payne
      November 1, 2024 at 9:36 pm Reply

      It does get to be more of a challenge, for sure.

  • November 1, 2024 at 8:52 pm Reply

    Having been a caregiver to a husband who had also had strokes,! I understand your problem. Try as best you can to make his pill- taking a habit! Set up a routine and stick to it as best you can. Keeping a written chart is excellent…. And keeping it where you can see it at all times is imperative ( at least it was to me).. good luck!

    • Peggy Payne
      November 1, 2024 at 9:37 pm Reply

      I made a little sign a few days ago that says: Pills First Thing/ Pills Last Thing. But then it gets easily covered by other stuff. Maybe I should paint it on the wall.

  • Gail Chesdon
    November 1, 2024 at 9:35 pm Reply

    Hard work you’re doing. As we age, we all face the caretaking for ourselves or ones we love. I have many little tricks to help me remember
    —- did I take that??
    Hugs.

    • Peggy Payne
      November 1, 2024 at 9:38 pm Reply

      Thanks, Gail. I’m starting to develop some tricks. I hope you’re doing well.

  • Ruth
    November 1, 2024 at 9:39 pm Reply

    Peggy, Harry and I admonish one another all the time with your final words here: Just stop.
    You are a wonderful spouse and partner and I KNOW you are super careful. But I hate the torture you experience.
    I hope you can find a way to let go of the worry. And I wonder: why not get one of these automated pill dispensing systems that set off a timer when it’s time to take a pill, and actually dispenses the pills when that happens. All you have to do is load it up. If it seems intimidating we (meaning my sons) can help set it up over the holidays.
    Many options: https://herohealth.com/manage-my-meds-5/?code=GOOGLE100&utm_campaign=hh-dtc-pmax-acq-mcv&utm_source=google&utm_medium=pmax&utm_content=hero-smart-dispenser&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw-JG5BhBZEiwAt7JR68RYhmnaD7OOkis61GmiXtgHoacB8L0nO9BLD33MJofZifXVR1fw_hoChL4QAvD_BwE

    • Peggy Payne
      November 1, 2024 at 9:43 pm Reply

      Thank you for your encouragement, Ruth, and thanks for the great idea. If/when the pills and doses get to be stable, the dispenser will be a great thing.

  • Robert braxton
    November 1, 2024 at 10:03 pm Reply

    Especially if bob has more than 4 to take I highly recommend reading Elderhood book by Aaronson a female doctor caring old people at least two decades also medical school professor
    Also while I still remember
    Hugs

    • Peggy Payne
      November 1, 2024 at 11:26 pm Reply

      Thanks, Bob. I will sure check out Elderhood. Good health to you!

  • Joel Hasd
    November 2, 2024 at 10:09 pm Reply

    The auto pill dispenser sounds good. I should get one. I have so many pills to take I joke I should just throw them all in a cereal bowl with milk and sugar. I have all of them set out in order to take but any disturbance in my routine can mess it up.

    • Peggy Payne
      November 3, 2024 at 2:05 am Reply

      I love the cereal idea, Joel. The perfect solution, so to speak. I hope they’re keeping you in good health.

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